A MODEST IDEA

while driving home today from a week trip to ames - i became very sad - i was thinking about what was going to happen at home this coming week - on friday at 2:30 ish in the morning i believe, a family member died at his own hands - it might not have been as suicidal as it sounds, but it was his own doing and he did cause it - wrecklessness at the hands of a motorcycle - i am sure he didn't mean to do what he did and i am sure that he did not mean to kill himself but what is done is done -

what does this have to do with me now?

well besides the obvious things: family tragedy and needless death - i am saddened because he has left behind a wife and two daughters - one 8 and one 19 - its careless what happened and it didn't need to happen - how it effects me is because on numerous occasions i had decided to play with my life - i always had a sense of what i was doing was wrong and careless - i never got too out of control - but i have found myself in freezing doorways and cowering in dark bathrooms using a small teethed knife to inflict damage upon myself -

too many times i did this - and have since quit - i haven't cut myself in a long time - but do have some scars to show for my stupidity - i guess once in a while you see how stupid some things you do are - i knew it was dumb to do - but today while driving home on a desolet road i realized how dumb i had been - looking at my scars that won't go away - i feel very bad for my cousins having to grow up the rest of thier life without a father - - while listening to the songs on the radio - azure ray turned into modest mouse...."and we'll all float on alright,
already we'll all float on, aliright
don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy, we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, ok
don't worry we'll all float on
even if things get heavy we'll all float on, alright
already we'll all float on, don't you worry we'll all float on"

goodbye

LOOK OUT

its been a long while - since i have written anything in this blog - i really don't know why that is but i am guessing that it could be because i haven't really any time right now -

A CONFRONTATION AND A LOSS

so i had a small problem and said i was moody and frustrated about something and now i think i have pissed him off and made him very mad at me for something - i don't know what to do right now - i am so confused - i feel like i might have lost him now and i feel like i am going to cry - i have felt like it all day - i constantly have this feeling in my stomach that i'll never see him again and that he is going to tell me to fuck off when he sees me - but i just don't understand - i really didn't want anything bad - i was feeling bad about something - and when i told him he just told me he was crap and that he was nothing good at all - it didn't need that type of reaction - it didn't need any reaction - all it needed was a simple explenation - and instead i got a possible end - i don't want him to - i don't want him to leave me - i don't want him to go away - i want him to be with me forever - i want to wake up with him everyday like i was doing - yesterday and today - oh hell - this is the worst day i have had in a long time - i feel like i could be bad to myself later for what i have done today -

TIME

so as of today - the twenty-seventh - it has been one year since i have known the boy - and i am very happy that i am still with him - that i see him - mostly everyday - and that i know me is what is for me - last night we all went out - the friends and us to the bars the night before thanksgiving -

so i had something to give him - i had gone out about two weeks before and i purchesed a nice id bracelet for him and had it inscribed with the date that i had met him on the outside and some little thing on the inside - i didn't know if he would actually wear it alot - or even at all - but i wanted to get him something that was good and to show him what i think - and truthfully - i know i didn't have to get him anything - i could have just given him myself - which would be hard to wrap up in a bow i think - but none the less - he has told me before not to get him things - and yeah - i know i don't have to get him things to show i love him - but more so - i want to do it for him - i want to do it - i like to do it - i love to do it - to see him - give me the look he does - and tell me that he is gonna kick my ass for it - its all worth it - it means everything -

so last night we went out - and stoped at a whole bunch of bars in town - westside, uptown and downtown - all over the place - about 8 bars in total i think - it was good and fun - rebakkah clitorus, the boy and myself - it was cheep drinks and bar fights all around - we saw beautiful schlitz stained glass lights and listened to tammy winette singing about "standing by your man" - all in all i had a wonderful evening - even better then i had imagined it would be - but after the last bar and at 1:45 a.m. - i went with the boy back to his house and gave him what i had gotten him -

does he like it? - - - yeah i would say that he likes it - he'll probably always say i shouldn't have gotten it - but i wanted to - cause he is the best thing -

ONE YEAR IN THE MAKING

so its almost been one year since i met the boy - yup - how great is that - well things are going well right now - i am very happy with how things are going - i couldn't be happier with him - he is the best - i love him -

...AND NOTHING TURNED ITSELF INTO SOMETHING

the more i sit here and think the more i feel like i am going to be sick - i don't know what going on anymore - i saw him last night - i went to his place and i sat outside his partio door till i was freezing and then i went and got some coffee - all while doing homework mind you - when i had gotten back he was just pullin in so i went in with him and asked him if i could do my work here cause i didn't know any libraries in town - dumb excuse - but it was actually my real excuse - and he said he didn't care - so i did work - he cleaned - and then i had a huge heart to heart with him - i told him everything that i always tell him - and i think i found a reason - he thinks i am gonna leave him - so why get anymore invested - why wait for it to happen when you can nip it in the but now - before it gets big and ugly - and i am sitting here now with a man i want to call my boyfriend telling him i havn't even looked at another person and he is telling me - well incause you do - maybe i'll end this now - i tried hard not to cry at his house last night - cause that is the last thing he would want me to do - but i don't know what i have to do anymore to get through to him - i pretent like it doesn't hurt and it does - he thinks i am going to leave him and run away - when he is the only reason i am here - oh hell - if there was some way of me showing him my complete and total devotion to him i would - he is the best thing in my life and the last thing i ever want to be with - and here i am - alone - not with the best thing in my life - cause he thinks i am a cheater - aside from some past behaviors i have done nothing now to warrent this reaction - yet here i am now -

STILL NOTHING

so i have nothing new to report - i am still not being spoken to - no i take that back - he called me last night to speak with me about the whereabouts of a friend - and i guess that is a lot better then nothing - so that makes me happy - but other then that - nothing major - i just wish i knew where i went wrong this time - what did i do -i was devising a list of possible problems -

1. did not give adequate warning to my weekend outing
2. should have called him to see how he was each night
3. did not pursuade him hard enough to come along
4. should have not gone (?)
5. could have been more understanding when i returned
6. be smarter about the situation
7. not get out of control over these things
8. expect the worse constantly so as not to be surprised when it happens

well truthfully i am not even sure that to say about the situation - i miss him terriably - and i am pretty sure he knows it too - and i have this feeling he misses me - or atleast i hope he does - but i wish this could just get worked out - there is no need for this to happen -